I hate you Facebook

I hate you Facebook. I often wonder why so many people claim to hate Facebook, me included, and continue to use the anxiety ridden application. Seriously, I am a mom to a 13.5 month old and have NO time to be worrying about Facebook and still at 12:34am I find myself upset that I even ever bought into the gimmick.

Of course, you're going to want a reason for my now newly found hatred. Of course, Im going to give it to you! As a single but currently attached mother it is filled with anxiety and double takes. The sole reason my profile is private and hidden is for the sheer fact that my significant other should have some skewed perception that I don't even have a Facebook account..... Too bad that didn't last long, of course "FB" is on my tool bar history which immediately warranted the "can you add me as a friend" since the only thing that seems to be valid about my hidden account is that strangers can not search my name or add me as a friend.

So, I made the big mistake, knowingly and friended him on Facebook. And of course, months later I am still hypothesizing why he was tagged in a photo a month ago when the photo was posted four years ago. I mean, do they still talk? Does she wish they talked? Does she realize that the picture of him and his sweet and unstalky girlfriend is in fact, his girlfriend? Ok, I know in NY no one cared about status' or titles. That has to be one of the biggest adjustments to living back in the Midwest. It's like you go from dating to attached without even realizing you are no longer single. Ok, no complaints, he is a REALLY great guy. But, where did the whole "relationship talk" disappear to? I wasn't really ready to have it and then forcibly felt the pressure to call him my boyfriend or hitchhike home.

Is it wrong to wonder? I know it is my own anxiety eating me up but clearly I do not want to know or see pictures of his ex-girlfriend nor do I want to be able to date the highs and lows of their relationship based off of posted pictures and outings. I refused to tag him in any pictures of mine, well, that worked as well as the introducing without a title gimmick did. NOT. VERY. WELL. So, my compromise was tagging only two photos. One where the three of us look pretty fabulous on the beaches of San Diego and the other one of him and his friends at a Vikings game. If I were the petty bitch that I appear to be this evening I would have tagged the 309 photo's of him and myself and BooBoo on vacation, at birthday parties, Christmas morning, ok you get the picture. I would have stooped to the level of making my profile public and allowing everyone and their mother to sift through all my photo's while their blood boils slowly knowing that *GASP* YES, he moved on!

But, no, instead I sit here with a private profile and I am the one still wishing I never friended him to begin with.

I wouldnt have it any other way!

I am sitting downstairs in my kitchen laughing at the fact that by baby will make as much noise as she possibly can until I will go lay in bed next to her. Only I clearly know she is doing this intentionally and am not responding. I did however, go upstairs on two seperate occasions and kiss her and lay her back down.

For as difficult as the "cold days" and the "never being able to go to the bathroom alone" I dont think I can imagine my life with my daughter any other way. She has taught me why mom's always say, "You have no idea how much I love you!" Because it is so true, there are no words or calculation that could define how much I love her.

I dont have to question if her dad and I parent in the same manner, I dont have to wonder if her diaper is changed, or if she has been fed. I dont have to worry if she is being cared for to the level of intent that I find acceptable. My daughter, unequivically, recieves the best care that any child could ask for. And, I am a single parent.

She sits in restaurants like she has been eating out all her life, oh wait, she has! She sits in my lap and just hangs out with me. She will even take a nap if I want to take a nap. I just scoop her up and hold her close and she always falls asleep cozy in my arms. I cherish every single night that she wants me to hold her and every single day that she hurries back to the same place I am. In two months she will be one, she has provided me with the most amazing year of my life.

Love/ Hate with the nighttime oncall's at the pediatrician's office!

In standing covered in vomit, baby vomit holding the phone to my ear while my nine month old shivers in the warm tub. I'm shaking because I am not sure what to do, do I go to the emergency room like I always seem to initially want to do but have yet to do, thankfully. Or do I just give her another bath and put her back to bed in hopes that this was a one time deal because of the constant mucus that has been filling her stomach all day...... Hmmmmm........

Well, after answering a series of thirty questions, like, "Has your child suffered a severe head trauma?" -- I mean really? Do you think if my child had suffered a severe head trauma I would be calling the on-call number? NO! I'd be driving 95MPH to the nearest hospital while on the phone with 911 crying hysterically. Or, " was her vomit the color off ground coffee beans?" I don't drink coffee was all I could think of saying back to the nurse filtering my information on the other end of the phone. Seriously, WTF would cause coffee bean like vomit? She didn't eat an ant hole.

After getting off the phone more frusterated that I had been when I was cleaning the throw up from my child's hair I dried off her little body and got her all cozy wrapped up in a blanket. She was fast asleep on my shoulder as a hose that used to be her mouth continually poured mucus all down my shoulder. I didnt have the heart to set her down until I knew she was completely asleep. I still dont have the heart to be frustrated that I smell like vomit and am crusty with mucus. I just feel sad that my little baby is so helplessly trying to sleep.

The nurse ended our conversation by telling me strict instructions as far as when and how to feed the baby for the next two days. Only expressed breast milk and pedialyte. Wait, I didnt have pedialyte in my fridge. She tells me to go to the store and buy some. Hmmmm, I tell her I am a single mom and she responds by asking me to ask my neighbors. ITS TEN FORTY FIVE PM and my neighbors all have little children and babies.

Wow, reassured that I am truly a single mom tonight. Holding off on the pedialyte until morning and offering her spoon fed tablespoons of water until morning if she wakes up. SIGH. Wishing there was someone sitting on the couch next to me telling me she will be ok and offering to refill the humidifier when it empties.

"Mama"

September 1st my daughter began to say "Mama" and to be quite honest I just can not get enough of it. For the last 48 hours everytime we are on a run or sitting down to dinner all I can do is repeat the name "Mama", I am sure in a year I will be begging her to ask for someone else as she wants to be held at in inconvenient time or needs her diaper changed.

Dont get me wrong, I LOVE holding my daughter, afterall I do it all day long, but I do hope when she is over a year and a half she has learned to love everyone else as much as she does me. And the diapers, well you know, they kind of go with the territory, but as I am sure I will have another child in the FAR FAR future I know the idea of getting rid of diapers isnt so practical.

My brain has been all over the place today. I had a package key in my mailbox and stared at it for probably fifteen minutes wondering why this strange key was in my mailbox. Then I proceeded in putting it back and walking back into my house. On my walk a light bulb went off in my head, THANKFULLY, and wa la there were not one but two packages waiting for me! Sometimes I wonder how I leave the house with my head on straight!

Ive been thinking a lot about nutrition and childrens nutrition. It might be that I have had to take the baby off of solids for two days because she wasnt digesting the foods very well that has got me thinking. I have read so many articles on babies that are fed strictly mothers milk until 2 years old because they dont have the teeth to actually chew their food, true molars come at 2 yrs old. But, as much as I would be ok with this I know it is not culturally acceptable to not feed your baby food until they are 2. SIGH. Giving her milk is so so much easier, all I have to do is pump and she is set.

Ive kind of enjoyed pumping, it is 60 minutes of my day that she and I have quiet time and I also now find it pretty relaxing. I also know she is getting optimum nutrition and she LOVES her milky! I still cant decide if I would be able to pump another year of my life though, not with this child, I mean in the far far future.

Well, I finally see her eyes closing so I better skip downstairs and get some adult things done like dishes, laundry, and bills, I know VERY exciting!

Beauty at it's purest

Today I was witness to what I believe to be one of God's greatest gifts; the art of communication.

After a great nights sleep I got a phone call from my brother who wanted me to meet him at Chipotle for lunch. I happen to really like everything about Chipotle, especially their bowls. I know the nutrition facts down to the gram and I really like how pure the ingredients are! I mean black beans are black beans and vegetables are vegetables, doesnt get much better than that!

I put the baby in a highchair and a plastic playmat on the table since she seems to ALWAYS bite the tables at restaurants. YUCK! Thank gosh for the throw away covers. I noticed there was a deaf mother signing her husband throughout our lunch. About five minutes into it the baby was playing with a dragonfly toy that lights up and makes noises, the only thing she likes about it is the sound it makes when it hits the floor. Well the husband and wife had a little boy (about 2.5yrs old) that was eating his lunch and continually climbing down from his chair to hand the baby her toys everytime she dropped them.

She turned herself around, getting her legs out of the holes they belong and and facing herself towards the little boy. He was so nicely sitting and playing with his cars. I had to take the dragonfly away because I felt bad for his little legs getting up and down so much! But, to my surprise he handed her his toy truck! Then his other two toys! He didnt even want his toys, he wanted her to have them.

Ok, now I understand LOTS of children share. But the beautiful thing was this sweet little deaf boy and my daughter playing with their toys together without a care in the world. They didnt need to be able to speak or hear in order to communicate. Through their eyes and sharing they were communicating.

Ive been thinking a lot about cell phones lately. Just the overusage of them. I am one of the over users. I always feel like I need to know if my baby is ok for the half hour I am away from her every other week. I am thinking about getting rid of it, or at least getting rid of the endless minutes that I pay for and never seem to use since everyone I know is "in", a verizon term. I mean do we really NEED to be accessible 24-7. Isnt there any other way we can learn to communicate?

That little boy may never know how profound of a lesson he taught me. But I am forever changed by his beautiful small act of kindness and compassion for a total stranger.

Sick baby

So it is 12:21am and I finally rocked the baby to bed. Her normal bedtime is 9-9:30pm but how do you get a little one to be on a schedule when she is living with a fever of 103 degrees for the last 48+ hours. Tylenol keeps it around 100.7 for two hours before spiking again an hour before I can medicate. Terrible to watch her as she just lays her head to rest on my shoulder. I want so badly to be able to do something to make her all better!

Ive called the doctor several times over the last three days. They keep telling me if her fever is under 104 under her arm then it is under 105, I guess you can add a degree to the armpit temperature, that there is nothing they can do and it is most likely just a virus. A virus, seriously, my kid was completely healthy and never had more than a little stuffy noise so her being under the weather is really frightening for me.

On top of her fever she has been throwing up, I am praying this is just a little flu bug and not a bacterial infection. Times like this it is really hard to be a single mom. I can call my mom a hundred times a day, we sat at her house for a while today just to get some new scenery, but it isnt the same as a dad that would be sitting here next to me as I rocked the baby to sleep while sitting next to the floor that is now covered in vomit. I dont even care that I have to clean up the carpet, cleaning up milk throw up is like cleaning up water, not much to it. It's more the emotional support.

Well, I better crawl in bed next to her, Im not about to try the crib when Im already affraid she isnt ok!

Crawling

Yesterday the baby crawled for the very first time. I saw her get up on all four limbs and start rocking. Only this time she didnt just rock, she moved! NO NO NO, I heared myself screaming! I didnt want her to crawl. I didnt want her to cut teeth like she did the week before and now I really dont want her to crawl!

Everytime I said no she smiled at me even larger and I couldnt stop myself from laughing and cheering her on. She is so smart and her little butt sticking in the air is so darn cute! I am sure it helped that she had an adorable dress on from our favorite store- Janie and Jack. And the pale pink bow did tons of justice, but she is cute even if she is naked. Trust me, Im not that partial :) I just had good genes.

I went to bed looking at the pictures of her in the hospital. SO SO tiny! Just barely 19 inches. I would rock her all night in the NICU, I didnt sleep but a few hours because I wanted to be at every one of her feedings. I was pretty much the only mom that went to the 3am feeding. She used to know my voice and every time I touched her her entire disposition changed. She wasnt scared if I was there and I promised her I wouldnt be scared either.

If you are pregnant cherish those last kicks and uncomfortable hip pains. I remember thinking no bed was comfortable and wishing everyday that she would come out early. (she didnt, she came out 9 days late after over 48 hours of induction and a very crabby and inpain mommy). But, from the moment I saw her I knew she was the light of my life. And to this day even when she reaches in to chomp down on my arm or races away to grab a toy she is my shining light!